Forgetting Happiness
by 8ami
Summary: Wally wonders if anyone notices when he forgets how happy is? He wonders if they know he's more than just happy. He wonders the know just how much his powers are of him.


**Title**: Forgetting Happiness  
**Word Count**: 943  
**Pairings**: None  
**Summary**: Wally wonders if anyone notices when he forgets how happy is? He wonders if they know he's more than just happy. He wonders the know just how much his powers are of him.

* * *

Sometimes when Wally forgets how happy he is, he wonders if his friends, his teammates, his mentors notice just how haunted he really is. Sometimes the dark feelings will come out of nowhere and his smile will drop, his shoulders sag, and fear might blossom in his eyes. A second later - oh he hopes it's a second - he's put his face back on and he wonders if anyone noticed.

They don't see to have noticed. Then the dark thoughts return. What if they did notice and they just don't care? He has to remind himself that's not true. If in fact they did see anything then they probably don't see it for what it truly is so use to his smile.  
He wonders if that's all they think he is. A smile. Happy.

He wonders if they really think about his powers. What they do to him. What it's like to feel _that_ good simply running. What's it like to be that fast. Do they realize he slows down to talk to them? Yet most of all, Wally wonders if they think about what it cost for him to get his powers. He wonders if they know it was an all or nothing deal.

He thinks that if they do they push the thought away because that thought could break the image of who he is in their minds. He was happy. And he was, but there is almost always more to a person. Isn't there?  
Sometimes Wally wonders if what's he feeling is loneliness or excitement when he opens himself up to the speedforce. Then he realizes it's both. It's both and more. Fear is there too as well as glee, hope - oh, god the hope it's breathtaking - amazement, joy, worry. It's all there because the speedforce is there and it's so powerful and consuming.

He wonders what it would be like to give himself up to the speedforce, completely. Would it be as amazing as he thinks it would be? Would it be more so? Or less? He doesn't think it can be less. It's the speedforce. So amazing and just there. Cause it's not a person like God is suppose to be or a force of nature like Magic is suppose to be. No, it's something so much more. It takes a mind like Wally's, Barry's, Jay's to really see it, to see it more than just as energy. It's so _fast_ and _powerful_ and _constant_. A normal mind could never grasp it's beauty.

Sometimes Wally wonders what's it like to be normal again. Sometimes he thinks he misses it but sometimes he isn't even sure what normal feels like anymore. Normal. That was so long ago. He was twelve then. Only five years ago, but Wally doesn't really know what a year feels like anymore. Time is distorted. His speed beats time.

He wonders if people think he's normal when he's not running. But that's a stupid thought because how could that be right? The speedforce isn't something he can turn off. When he slows down he's simply pushing that all consuming energy to arms length. It's still there. He doesn't think he'll ever get rid of it, he doesn't think he'll ever want to. It's still there. Sitting. Waiting for him stop _fighting_ it. Then, looking around at his friends after they've said something insensitive without knowing it, Wally thinks they must think of it as a switch. They don't realize how it's always there. Calling to him.

And maybe if he wasn't so scared he'd let it take him to wherever it's calling from. But he can't, because he knows he won't want to come back. It would be glorious but also final.

Wally doesn't like the word final. Certainly now when he's thinking about himself. He shouldn't be final. Powers shouldn't make a person final though he thinks they do.  
Sometimes Wally wonders if his friends will ever understand his powers, the speedforce. He wonders if they ever want to. He wonders if he wants them to. Knowing the speedforce, his relationship with the speedforce, it seems intimate and he isn't sure he wants to share that with them. He wonders if they did know about it if they would worry about him. Worry about him running too fast and never coming back like he does about himself. He wonders if it would break their precious little image of happy him.

More so, he wonders if they would finally understand that his powers are more than simply running fast. If they would finally make the connect between his powers and who he is. His eating habits, his attention span, his thoughts, his needs, his wants, his...his everything. Who he is. He isn't afraid to admit that his powers define him. He wonders if his friends are. If they simply don't want to see how much his powers are of him. He wonders if that bothers them and if so why.

Sometimes Wally forgets just how happy he is and he wonders if anyone notices. Sometimes Wally wonders if it even matters. Looking around, sometimes he decides it does and other times he decides it doesn't. Sometimes Wally just shakes his head of the thoughts and move on because he's good at.

He wonders if anyone knows that about him.


End file.
